Perhaps the biggest downfall of being me is the faulty Temperament Control Mechanism (TCM). Predictably unpredictable, I generally manage to rein it in, but there are definitely triggers. On a day when everything is going right, it is possible for a single incident to suddenly flip the switch. In these cases, despite my best efforts, it is very difficult to dial it back without extreme difficulty.
Despite Ourselves
I know a lot of you understand all to well. It is one of those things that we don’t share on social media because it isn’t as appealing as the cinnamon roll we’re eating or the fun license tag we saw on the highway. No, this is the ugly side of life that we only share when all hell breaks lose. It is the side of us that your lawyer trains you not to show in court. It is that dark shadow that we do our best to make sure no one crosses. We do everything we can to chain it down. This only makes it worse when the TCM suddenly switches.
Despite My Complaining
Over the years, I have learned the triggers. This has allowed me to develop strategies that help avoid the worst responses to the TCM failures. There are key warning signs to watch for such as having a good day, completing a difficult task expertly and efficiently, or being in a really good mood. At these points where I could complain but have no real reason to do so, I am at my most vulnerable. This is when things are most likely to come crashing down. Hard.
Rephrasing the Obvious
Without going too deep, let me phrase things differently. I have lived a blessed life. While times have not always been easy, I manage to prevail. Yet, due to various experiences in my past, I am all too aware that the bottom can drop out at any time. It can. And it will. This uncertainty, a feeling that disaster mitigation is the best I can do, is an issue. When things go sideways, it triggers that faulty TCM. Despite my best efforts, once sprung, it is extremely difficult to reset.
You see, allowing that switch to trip is also a trigger. I become angry at myself for allowing myself to become angry. Illustrate to me how stupid it is for me to be upset about something? Sure, that’s a trigger, too. It becomes a no-win situation that can spiral quickly.
Grace and Understanding
Once my mood goes from great to horrible in a split second, it can take hours if not days to recover. As I type this, I have a very specific, pounding headache. Guess what attitudes that inspires? Regardless, in the end, it is all up to me. I do my best to refuse the easy reaction and handle things in a better manner. It can be a tightrope walk leading to worse if I am not careful.
I can do better. I must do better. But I need a little grace. Some understanding. I am wrestling with a machine built that wants to drive me to my worst self. I guess we all are. And that’s the point: Grace and understanding across the board. For all of us. Starting with giving myself enough grace to deal with my mistakes.
