On a Tuesday in March, 2020, we were asked to allow fifteen days to slow the spread of COVID. This became known as “two weeks to flatten the curve.” Two years later, we’re still working our way out of a weird, semi-chaotic state of masks, boosters, and “follow the science”. I’m not here to debate the finer points of the pandemic and how it was handled. Take that conversation elsewhere. Today, I look past the façade of the COVID cage and look at the competing cages in my life.
Cage of the Heart
No matter how hard I try, I cannot contain my passion for photography. It is one of those things that keeps me going even when I’m not actually practicing the craft. I take far more images than I share and I am never happy with the last one I took. The next chance to capture a new scene is always too far away. There are ebbs and flows and I am always hoping the tide will turn for the better.
Cage of the Mind
My brain never stops. Being in an induced coma was the last time it stopped running at full speed. Upon waking, it was pushing hard and has never stopped. It has become very easy for me to experience sensory overload. There is no finding balance between my creative mind working full blast and a relaxed mind content with the world as it is. It simply does not happen.
A confluence of influences mucks up the heart and mind. I always expect more of myself. So much so, that I fight to keep going when I should probably move on. It isn’t just a perfectionist tendency. It is a drive to not settle for good enough knowing I will never arrive at good enough. I take a fantastic photo and feed off of that high just long enough to realize it should have been better. I am never good enough for myself and that can be a significant problem.
Pre-pandemic, I worked to pursue my passions knowing that was the healthiest avenue for me mentally. These last two years have been far more than just COVID. We have all experienced a lot of change. That’s life. Even though we are all caught up in the chaos, it is easy to feel alone.
Finding models to work with has been quite disappointing of late, so I have turned back to another passion, painting miniatures. The problem is that when I go to take photographs of them, I find myself in the same trap. The image I capture is never good enough. This time, though, it’s because I am not that good of a painter, so I get to kick myself for that, too!
In the end, I am and will continue to be fine. Your continued support is appreciated. Send models open to working with me from time to time. See you soon!